We asked relationship experts to tell us what common threads they notice among healthy, long-lasting relationships versus short, fleeting ones. See what they had to say below:
1. You can laugh at yourself and each other
“I need to be clear here: I’m not talking about the scornful, contempt-filled laughter that is all about feeling superior and rejecting the other person. That can do serious damage over time. I’m talking about the self-effacing, I-don’t-take-myself-too-seriously sort of laughter that points out the quirks in ourselves, our partners, and our relationship while keeping it light.
It’s when people can smile and rib one another about their favorite movie, shake their head and laugh about bad decisions they made in the past, and own up to their own selfishness from time to time,” Ryan Howes, psychologist.
2. You find little ways to express your love every day
“Having sex is easy. Being loving every day isn’t always. Showing your partner you care, appreciate, and value them can be done in many small, day-to-day ways. Little things add up, like making him a cup of coffee every morning or telling her you appreciate how hard she works. When these caring gestures become habits, it’s a sign a relationship is more likely to last,” Kurt Smith, therapist who specializes in counseling for men.
3. You’re on the same page where it matters most
“One good sign your relationship will last: your basic values are closely in sync. Research shows in general that the more similar partners are on the most important things in life -– such as religion, money, whether to have children and how to raise them –- the more likely they are to wind up together for life. That’s why it’s good early in a relationship to have a serious ‘values discussion,’ because this basic orientation toward what matters most is unlikely to change,” Karl Pillemer, professor of human development at Cornell University and author of 30 Lessons for Loving.
4. You give each other the benefit of the doubt
“This means that even if your partner did something that seems insensitive or unkind, like show up late for your big night, you assume that their intentions are good and that they are not trying to hurt you on purpose. Instead of looking for blame, you share how you feel and see if there’s a way to do it differently in the future. Or if they are going to always be late, find some acceptance for who you chose,” Celeste Hirschman, sex expert and author of Making Love Real.
5. You don’t keep score
“Ideally, partners in a relationship do loving things for one another without expecting anything in return. They give freely, because giving to one another is reward enough. But that isn’t always the case. Many couples find themselves giving to the other in order to receive the same treatment in return.
The problem is more than just a focus on giving in order to get: it’s when the arguments about ‘What you’re not doing for me’ start and partners start rolling out the scorecards: ‘I did the dishes five times last week!’ or ‘You’ve gone out with your friends five times since the last time I went.
’ Instead of keeping score and waiting for the partner to make things fair for you, how about you just ask for what you want? Like, ‘I know we both hate doing the dishes, but how about we alternate weeks?’” ― Howes
6. You tackle problems together instead of avoiding them.
“Tackling problems head-on is a sure sign of relationship health. Problems are part of life and don’t have to be viewed as something bad to be avoided. They can be opportunities to grow and strengthen your connection and commitment to each other. It takes courage to address problems, but the reward is a stronger, more secure relationship,”― Smith.
7. You each take responsibility for your mistakes
“If each person is able to take responsibility for their part in challenging dynamics and admit when they are doing something from an upset or protective place instead of their calm, connected place, it makes a huge difference. Imagine one person saying, ‘I know when I get really upset I chase after you and that can be overwhelming’ and then the other one saying, ‘Yeah, it can, and I know I can shut down sometimes and that can be really scary for you.’ That’s a relationship that can last," ― Danielle Harel, sex expert and author of Making Love Real.
3 obvious signs it's time to walk away from your relationship
IF you feel like you're stuck in a relationship rut and can't decide whether it's time to walk away, there are three tell-tale signs you can spot.
According to relationship expert Olga Levancuka, there are three factors in a relationship that prove it is time you should cut ties.
Olga also believes that in many cases, other people around you can see the signs long before you can. Here she shares the three signs to spot.
1. You’re not their priority
Being someone’s priority isn’t necessarily all about spending every waking moment together. It’s about playing an important role in each other’s life and being truly connected.
Take a moment to think if you’re really involved in your partner’s life. Do they make important decisions that could potentially have an impact on both of you on their own? Have you met the people who are important to them? Are they making future plans without asking for your input?
If you feel that your partner doesn’t consider you a priority and that you’re not a real part of their world, it’s time to let go.
2. You’ve grown apart
You constantly evolve and your priorities and goals change which means you may want different things from a relationship than you did when you got into it.
When was the last time you had a meaningful conversation with your partner and found you both wanted the same things in life? Staying in a relationship because you’re used to it and it feels easy is more common than you might think but being in a happy relationship should be more than just inertia.
3. It’s not a partnership
A happy relationship should be balanced with each partner supporting and being there for each other no matter what. If your partner requires you to be there for them all the time when they need you but are never there when you need them, then you should probably start thinking about moving on.
You don’t realise this may be happening until you find yourself reaching out for your friends instead of your partner during difficult times because you don’t think your partner will care or be interested.
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